Ask The Doctor

Dear sleepless in San Diego,
I commend you for your interest in attachment parenting and your concern for meeting the needs of your infant. As a pediatrician, my role is always as the child’s advocate. I encourage parents to be kind, compassionate and nurturing, while helping them to understand that if a child is not “behaving” in a calm manner, that only means that this child is fearful and not feeling safe. Recognizing that a child’s “distress” is really a call for help allows the parent to respond with love.

It is not realistic to apply a word like “stubborn” to an infant, because it implies motives that simply do not exist in a young, innocent baby who has no concept of manipulating his behavior in order to achieve his goals. Similarly his “own crib” implies that he has an understanding of an adult  concept such as assignment of ownership when he is simply following his instincts in having his needs of emotional security met. You state that he “cries for hours” and is in “distress” when he is detached from you in the crib.

Yet, when he is “held”, he is “happiest” and you understand that this response to his needs is the way to “nurture”.  

In reading your letter, I would say that you have answered your own question by your choice of words. Because you have the concepts clearly, I am wondering if you are in conflict not with the needs of your son, but with the advice of family members and society in general. A mother such as yourself who is struggling can benefit enormously from the support and encouragement of friends and family who understand the concepts of emotional attachment and who will honor, acknowledge, celebrate and guide you in your choices.

-----
Dr. Susan Markel, MD, is a Board Certified Pediatrician, and Attachment Parenting Advisor. She is also the author of, "Ask The Doctor," in partnership with ERGObaby. If you have additional questions, please feel free to visit her website at http://www.AttachmentParentingDoctor.com and request a private consultation.