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Attachment style parenting gone wrong
Dear Dr. Markel,
My husband and I practice attachment style parenting from co-sleeping to baby wearing. Our son is now 8 months old. Somehow I feel we are experiencing attachment style parenting gone wrong.
I'm a full time mom and totally exhausted. Poor sleep at night is creating day time problems for all of us. Daytime naps are a production, only successful when I lay down with him. He has never slept alone and wakes up the instant I leave the bed just to use the restroom. He does not know how to fall asleep on his own or go back to sleep once he wakes up. He seems truly terrified when I leave him with daddy so I can take a shower.... I know I'm rambling here. I'm so overwhelmed and tired...It has been suggested to me to establish a nap routine with him in a crib/playpen by himself. Is this the answer? And if so, how do I go about it?
I greatly appreciate any help you can offer. Thank you for your time.
Julia
My husband and I practice attachment style parenting from co-sleeping to baby wearing. Our son is now 8 months old. Somehow I feel we are experiencing attachment style parenting gone wrong.
I'm a full time mom and totally exhausted. Poor sleep at night is creating day time problems for all of us. Daytime naps are a production, only successful when I lay down with him. He has never slept alone and wakes up the instant I leave the bed just to use the restroom. He does not know how to fall asleep on his own or go back to sleep once he wakes up. He seems truly terrified when I leave him with daddy so I can take a shower.... I know I'm rambling here. I'm so overwhelmed and tired...It has been suggested to me to establish a nap routine with him in a crib/playpen by himself. Is this the answer? And if so, how do I go about it?
I greatly appreciate any help you can offer. Thank you for your time.
Julia
Dear Julia,
It sounds like your baby is not ready to be alone. Remind yourself that this is temporary. More specifically, at around the age of eight or nine months, babies can become anxious, clinging, and easily frightened when their attachment to familiar things is disrupted. Although it might be hard to appreciate it now, predictable anxieties of this period are evidence of your son's healthy relationship with you. The intensity of his feeling can be very special and bring great joy, or, at times, you may feel suffocated by his inability to "take care of himself" separated from you.
Today, mothers are often separated from their own parents and siblings, and have fewer people to turn to when they feel tired, ill, or simply in need of a break from child tending. Because of this, a baby's legitimate needs, like being held and having cries quickly attended to, can feel emotionally and physically overwhelming. Under these circumstances, it is understandable that tired mothers wonder how to convince the baby to meet their needs. To the baby, of course, nothing has changed - his needs are the same as they have been since he was born. He needs to feel safe and secure.
I suggest that you introduce a "transitional object", also called a security object, or "lovey". This object, which is most often a soft blanket or stuffed animal, represents the security that your child feels with you and allows the transition from dependence to independence.
It is important that the transitional object be offered consistently at all times whenever the baby is learning to sleep alone, is in an unfamiliar place, or is upset for any reason.
Eventually your baby gets the comfort and security from this transitional object that was originally associated only with you and he will be able to make the transition to sleeping alone.
It sounds like your baby is not ready to be alone. Remind yourself that this is temporary. More specifically, at around the age of eight or nine months, babies can become anxious, clinging, and easily frightened when their attachment to familiar things is disrupted. Although it might be hard to appreciate it now, predictable anxieties of this period are evidence of your son's healthy relationship with you. The intensity of his feeling can be very special and bring great joy, or, at times, you may feel suffocated by his inability to "take care of himself" separated from you.
Today, mothers are often separated from their own parents and siblings, and have fewer people to turn to when they feel tired, ill, or simply in need of a break from child tending. Because of this, a baby's legitimate needs, like being held and having cries quickly attended to, can feel emotionally and physically overwhelming. Under these circumstances, it is understandable that tired mothers wonder how to convince the baby to meet their needs. To the baby, of course, nothing has changed - his needs are the same as they have been since he was born. He needs to feel safe and secure.
I suggest that you introduce a "transitional object", also called a security object, or "lovey". This object, which is most often a soft blanket or stuffed animal, represents the security that your child feels with you and allows the transition from dependence to independence.
It is important that the transitional object be offered consistently at all times whenever the baby is learning to sleep alone, is in an unfamiliar place, or is upset for any reason.
Eventually your baby gets the comfort and security from this transitional object that was originally associated only with you and he will be able to make the transition to sleeping alone.
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Attachment Parenting
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